I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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