Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
