bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
