then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
