I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
