just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
