I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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