Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
