This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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