I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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