Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
