last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
