conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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