i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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