We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
