2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
40s are totally the cure
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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