so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You were trust falling into bushes
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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