I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
