She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
