The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
