If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
