If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
