Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
