you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
