Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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