Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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