My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
If its not for food we ain't going out.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
