I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
