He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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