How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
then he tried to convert me to islam
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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