i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I think I won the penis lottery.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
