My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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