My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
