Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
