Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
