Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
