I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
