I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
