i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
