so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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