i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
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I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
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Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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