You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
