So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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