The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad