I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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