Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
