she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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