Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
