I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
