tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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