As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
