I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
My cat gives me a boner
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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