Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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