I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
