You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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