she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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