Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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