In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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