Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
