So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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