I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
i think my cat just said my name.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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