If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
