i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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