My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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