Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
