we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
