Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
